


voices in your mind

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Whumptober 2020 [13]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (a canon character death that's in the show), Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Has Feelings, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Gen, Hallucinations, He doesn't really get that but it's okay, He won't let himself have the nice things, M/M, Minor Character Death, No MCD, Spells & Enchantments, Suicide Attempt, Whumptober 2020, and now on to the serious tags, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27082921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: The suicide attempt from 2x08 told from Alec's point of view.Whumptober 2020 prompt fic - alt. prompt, fallingHopeful ending!!Warnings for 2x08 spoilers, hallucinations, spell, minor character death, and suicide attempt. Please keep yourselves safe! <3
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & himself, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Whumptober 2020 [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950094
Comments: 6
Kudos: 108
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	voices in your mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! I'm extremely late with this Whumptober fic. The prompt for this one is another alternate prompt: falling. 
> 
> I'll admit, this fic fought me the whole way through. I don't know why, since writing about things like this is usually easy for me. I'm still not really very happy with it, but I finally got to a place where I felt like it wasn't too shitty to post, haha. So please forgive me if the quality of this isn't great!
> 
> I really hope you like this!! Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Alec’s hands shook at his sides, and he swallowed hard. He wasn’t hallucinating; he hadn’t had much to drink, and he didn’t think his mind could conjure up something so terrible, anyway. This was real. It had to be. 

“You’re a **murderer** , Alec.”

Clary’s words crashed over him like a tsunami, and he choked on air, clenching his fists tightly enough to leave bloody gouges in his palms. She was right. He _was_ a murderer. 

She advanced on him, spitting more poison. Her eyes were alight with some emotion Alec couldn’t identify - hatred, he thought - and he didn’t think he’d ever seen her look so angry. Alec knew he should stand there and take it, face it, face her; it wasn’t like she was wrong. It wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it. He had done it, he had killed her mother. He had shoved his hand into Jocelyn’s chest and ripped out her heart, he was a _murderer_ , _murderer_ , _murderer_ -

“ **Murderer**.” 

Alec turned on his heels, his heart pounding painfully in his chest, and fled up the stairs that led to Magnus’s balcony. The cold, biting night air was a different, welcome sort of pain from the guilt that swelled in his chest. He felt his throat close up and he swallowed hard, blinking furiously. He would not cry. He didn’t deserve to. _He_ wasn’t the one who had lost somebody; no, he was the one who had _caused_ the loss. 

He walked to the edge of the balcony and stared down at the bustling street below. Cars raced by underneath the artificial glow of the streetlamps, and Alec wished they would stop. He just wanted everything to _stop_. Stop feeling like this, stop the thudding pressure in his chest, stop his fucking guilt, stop the pain in his head and his hands and his heart. Just _stop_. 

Tears pricked his eyelids, but he refused to let them fall. Everything that was happening, all that Clary was feeling and all that he was feeling, it was his fault. He twisted his hands together harshly. _All your fault_ , his mind seemed to whisper. _Murderer. Murderer. Murderer._

Alec realised with a start that the voices weren’t coming from inside his mind; rather, they were coming from the doorway where Clary stood with a fierce look on her face. There was something else there, too; if he tried hard enough, he could almost make out concern dusting her features, but it must be a fluke. Why would she be concerned for him? She hated him, and she certainly had every right to. He’d killed her mother. 

The undeniable knowledge washed over him again, and Alec felt like he might be sick. _I killed Clary’s mother._

Alec stumbled backwards under the weight of it, his knees hitting the edge of the balcony. Clary advanced on him, her face contorted with rage. She was reaching a hand out to him now, like she meant to push him off of the balcony, and Alec surprised himself with the knowledge that it wasn’t an entirely unwelcome thought. 

Clary advanced on him and Alec tried to conceal the way his hands shook. He felt like if she got any closer, he might just spontaneously combust. She was too close, the wind whistled in his ears, and Alec gasped for breath. He was consumed with the guilt, with the _truth_. Clary’s venomous words were just reaffirming what he already knew. He was a murderer. He had killed an innocent. Jocelyn’s blood was on his hands. 

Alec took a shaky breath and tried to free himself from the clutches of Clary’s words. He wanted her to stop, he wanted her to _shut up_ , but he knew that wasn’t fair to her. She shouldn’t have to keep all of this inside to save someone like him, a _murderer_ , from making a decision like this. He glanced behind him at the bustling street below. It wasn’t how he had imagined himself dying, but it would do. 

The pressure was crushing Alec, and he climbed onto the ledge shakily, still facing Clary. If there was one thing he knew, it was that she didn’t deserve what had happened to her. She _did_ deserve to watch the person responsible for her suffering take a swan dive off of the balcony. He closed his eyes and exhaled shakily. His mind screamed at him to do it, _jump, don’t just stand there, jump, jump, fall, END IT_ -

Clary moved closer still. 

Alec thought he could hear something else over the din of Clary’s cruel words and the maelstrom raging in his own mind. He thought, maybe, he heard someone calling his name, but that couldn’t be right. No one was _looking_ for him, no one cared, no one wanted a fucking murderer. Still, a little spark of hope blossomed in his heart, and he opened his eyes, looking around frantically. But all he saw was Clary and the blinding lights of Magnus’s balcony, piercing into him, _through_ him, like they too could see what he was and what he’d done. The cold, wintry air seemed to settle in Alec’s lungs, and he wondered for a moment if he might just freeze from the inside out. That would be suitable, he supposed; the outside air finally matched how he felt inside. 

“ **Murderer**!” Clary shrieked, loud enough that Alec was surprised the noise alone didn’t push him off of the balcony. Clary looked at him, a scathing look full of blame and hatred, and began to cry. That was the last straw. 

Alec closed his eyes, cleared as many thoughts as he could from his head, and let himself fall. 

The exhilarating feeling of anti-gravity, of _falling_ , only lasted for a moment. It was gone in the blink of an eye, a breath of a second, and Alec found himself afraid of how much he missed it. 

Instead, warm blue magic wrapped itself around his body like a cloak, and Alec felt an overwhelming urge to cry. He knew that magic. He would never forget that magic or what it felt like or who it belonged to. 

_Magnus_. 

Before Alec could reach out, explain himself, tell Magnus why he wasn’t worth it and why Magnus deserved someone so much better, someone _clean_ , he found himself veiled in darkness and drifting into sleep. He didn’t know what Magnus had done to him, but he supposed whatever it was would be better than facing Clary. He didn’t know that he would ever be able to do that. 

Just before his consciousness slipped away, Alec felt a cool, ringed hand brush across his cheeks. It was a gentle touch, the first one Alec had experienced in days, and it felt like love. It felt like hope. Alec clung to that feeling. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open, but very slow! Thanks for your patience! <3
> 
> If you love Shadowhunters, chaos, and gaining new friends (or any combination of the three), I invite you to [join the Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) I run with my friends! We're a multifandom server that caters to Shadowhunters, Supernatural, Marvel, and more. We welcome everyone, and we'd love to have you! <3


End file.
